Newsletter Punctuation (and Wording) Problems–Part III

Here is another post based on the newsletter I received recently.  The following paragraph would have benefited from a good proofread before publishing:

Sue gave two examples the first was from an existing client that was ecstatic because they were able to increase top line revenue by reducing manufactured returns by 15%. The next example had to deal manufactures that were angry that their line continued to go down in the middle of a production run.

1. The paragraph begins with a run-on sentence.  There should be a period after EXAMPLES.  Or, using a different style, a colon would be acceptable.

2. It is preferable to use WHO rather than THAT when referring to a person.

2. PERCENT should be written out (as one word) when it appears in a sentence.

3. Why say NEXT?  SECOND is a better and more specific choice.

4. I couldn't make any sense of HAD TO DEAL MANUFACTURES THAT…but I suspect the writer meant that it had to DO with MANUFACTURERS WHO were angry.

Here are two suggested solutions for improving this paragraph:

Sue gave two examples. The first involved an existing client who was ecstatic because his company had increased top line revenue by reducing manufactured returns fifteen percent. The second had to do with manufacturers who were angry because their line continued to go down in the middle of a production run.

Sue gave two examples: the first of an existing client who was ecstatic because his company had increased top line revenue by reducing manufactured returns fifteen percent, and the second dealing with manufacturers who were angry because their line continued to go down in the middle of a production run.

There are two good steps to good writing–the draft and the proofreading.  Most of us spend far too much time struggling with the initial draft and not enough time proofreading.  I suggest that you spill your thoughts and words out onto the screen quickly, then use the bulk of your time for editing and polishing.  The final result will be much better–I guarantee it!


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