Edit of Fifty-four Word Sentence, as Promised

None of my readers took me up on the edit challenge for the following lengthy and confusing sentence:

While saying there has been nothing to show where the contaminants came from its plant, Walter coke, the largest company still operating in the area that has had many heavy industrial operations, is voluntarily paying for some soil testing in the area, as well as soil replacement at Hudson K-8 and 23 surrounding properties.

I do not mean to suggest that a 54-word sentence is always incorrect, but this one, with its strings of phrases, is extremely difficult to follow.  First, TO SHOW WHERE is very casual English and adds confusion here.  INDICATE would be a better verb choice than the expression SHOW WHERE.

I think this information is clearer if the sentence is separated into two sentences.  Here is my suggested rewrite:

The area in question has had many heavy industrial operations, but Walter Coke is the largest company still operating there. While saying that nothing indicates the contaminants came from its plant, Walter Coke is voluntarily paying for some soil testing in the area as well as soil replacement at Hudson K-8 and 23 surrounding properties.

 

WEEKEND BONUS GLITCH:Here is a sentence I came across yesterday in a blog post by someone who owns a writing and social media marketing agency:

I write everything under the son.

Hm-mmm. I'm wondering what is underneath this person's son (male child) that could so interesting to write about.  "Everything under the sun (that huge star that shines down on the entire earth)" is the expression this writer is looking for.  I hope he has hired a good proofreader for his business.  The sentence should read this way:

 I write everything under the sun.


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One Response to “Edit of Fifty-four Word Sentence, as Promised”

  1. Liberty says:

    Hey, that post leaves me fenelig foolish. Kudos to you!

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